“Alien Vacation” by Lizzy Acker
from the forthcoming book Party Monster
The two aliens are at a Bingo game. They are confused. They are not used to Bingo games and they are trying to understand Earth culture but Earth culture is very hard to understand. One of them buys a ticket for a side game and starts chewing on the cardboard. The other makes marks with the dauber on his hand.
Let me tell you something about these aliens: this is their honeymoon. The word is out about San Francisco as a number one tourist location, not just in French speaking countries but on other planets too. Alien tourists love this place. How you can tell an alien tourist is that they look like a German but they speak perfect English. Also they don’t have the Lonely Planet. They have this other guidebook that directs them to the Outer Richmond, the Taco Bell on Third Street and always, Bingo.
The aliens have been at Bingo for a few minutes only. They paid in cash. They love each other very much, in an alien way, which is completely different from a human way. The alien way of loving someone else very much is: they are one hundred percent sure that the other alien exists.
The aliens are in love. So they have sex. This is how: first they look each other in the eyes. They do this for a long time, ten whole minutes. This is considered highly romantic. Sometimes they blink. After ten minutes Alien One spreads her fingers out on the table. Alien Two does the same thing. Alien One inches her fingers over a little toward Alien Two. Alien Two also inches. They do this slowly. The Vietnamese lady across the table from them doesn’t even notice they are moving. She doesn’t even think they are strange. She is very serious about Bingo. Alien One inches her fingers more. Then Alien Two. They each inch some more until their fingers are touching. Alien One lets her hand glide over Alien Two’s hand, slowly. She feels the texture of his skin. He feels the texture of her skin. Her hand stops. They hold still like that, one hand on top of the other. They are having alien sex. It is totally appropriate to have alien sex in public, even on their planet. Everyone does it. Their parents had sex in front of them all the time. Aliens even do it at work.
The aliens have sex for two hours and then the Vietnamese woman gets a big Bingo and she tells them they have been good neighbors and gives them each a five dollar bill. They leave the Bingo hall and walk to the freeway, another hotspot in the alien San Francisco guide. At the freeway, they throw rocks at cars and Alien Two shoves the bill up his nose.
After a while, they teleport home to their planet. The guidebook says the cops will be coming. It’s true: the cops will be coming any minute.
Copyright © 2010, Lizzy Acker